if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Cndnsd Mlk
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.