My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza