Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar