This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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bout dat hot dog summer
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic