My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)