A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful