Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet