Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.