My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.