My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Woke up with morning Yule Log
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
never compromise your values
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???