I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
who named him groot and not spruce lee
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM