*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!