The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Generation gap…
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
can you read it!!??
maan!
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
2005 Single
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2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?