Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.