[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.