5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.