*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
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Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
new career option?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
😂😂
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally