Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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My Guy
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.