One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”