i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
2023 was just a warmup
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Before & after 😅
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.