If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.