Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Important reminders
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
fired
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.