6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
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If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Life cycle of cat
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*