Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
? 💀
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?