*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.