*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The Weeknd is back
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said