If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021