Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Dolls on drugs
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page