Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions