WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
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Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down