A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*