I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe