Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
calling in to work dehydrated
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta