I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing