Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.