A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
You Might Also Like
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome