Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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oh shit
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.