“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.