satan: not today, microsoft teams
You Might Also Like
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
It’s an epidemic…
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no