[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
i’m sure it’s fine
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Gemma Correll
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.