My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?