I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I hope it’s French Onion!
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next