I’m going to need a moment here.
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
That’s amazing.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?