Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.