*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
You Might Also Like
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
August 8
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me