Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.