Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.