[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
You Might Also Like
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I think they could have phrased this better
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks