*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.