Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Story of my life…..
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
#winning
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.